Help & Support
Guidance for applicants, certificate holders, and those questioning their documented status.
Important: This help centre addresses administrative and procedural enquiries only. We do not provide existential counselling, philosophical guidance, or reassurance regarding the nature of being.
Scope of Services
The Existence Registry provides certification services. Understanding our remit will help manage expectations and reduce unnecessary correspondence.
What We Do
- ✓ Verify and certify that you exist
- ✓ Issue official documentation of existence
- ✓ Maintain a permanent registry of certified individuals
- ✓ Provide replacement certificates (for a fee)
- ✓ Answer questions about your application status
- ✓ Certify other conditions (effort, opinions, etc.)
What We Don't Do
- ✗ Explain why you exist
- ✗ Confirm the meaning of existence
- ✗ Engage in ontological debate
- ✗ Provide philosophical counselling
- ✗ Answer questions beginning with "But what if..."
- ✗ Certify things that don't exist (we've checked)
A Note on Ontological Enquiries
We receive approximately 847 emails per month asking us to explain the nature of existence itself. This is not our department.
We verify that you exist. We do not speculate on why you exist, how you came to exist, or whether your existence has inherent meaning. These are matters for philosophers, theologians, or late-night conversations with friends.
If you are experiencing an existential crisis, we recommend speaking to a qualified professional. We are not qualified professionals. We are a registry.
Order Help
Common questions about orders, delivery, and what to do when things go wrong (which they shouldn't, but sometimes do).
Digital certificates: Check your email, including spam folder. Our emails are sometimes flagged as suspicious due to containing the phrase "official proof of existence."
Physical certificates: Allow 5-7 working days. Royal Mail does not recognise "existential urgency" as grounds for expedited delivery.
If it's been longer than expected, please check that you provided the correct address and that you still exist at that address.
We apologise. Even registries make mistakes.
If the error is ours (we spelled your name wrong), we will issue a replacement at no charge. Please email us with your verification number and a photo of the error.
If the error is yours (you submitted your name incorrectly), a replacement can be issued for a £3 administrative fee. We recommend checking your own name carefully before submitting.
Yes, but you'll need to apply for a new certificate. Your original certificate will remain valid - it documents your existence at the time of issue under the name you provided.
Name changes, whether due to marriage, deed poll, witness protection, or simply feeling like it, require a fresh application. The Registry does not judge your reasons.
Replacement certificates are available at 50% of the original tier price. Please provide your verification number and a brief explanation of what happened.
Common causes we've seen include: coffee spills, dog-related incidents, "I left it in my pocket and washed it," and one memorable case involving a goat.
Your existence remains valid regardless of certificate condition.
Please check your spam folder. Our emails frequently end up there for reasons we don't fully understand but suspect involve the word "existence."
If you still can't find it, email us at uncertain@existenceregistry.co.uk with the name and email address you used to order. We'll look you up in the registry.
Note: If you can't find any record of your order and have no payment confirmation, it's possible you only thought about ordering but didn't actually complete the process. This happens more often than you'd think.
Standard delivery does not include tracking. Your certificate will arrive when it arrives, like most things in life.
If you selected Priority Processing, you will receive a tracking number via email once your certificate is dispatched. Please note that tracking only confirms the location of your certificate, not whether it will successfully prove your existence upon arrival.
Refund Policy
We believe in transparency. Here is our refund policy, presented without ambiguity.
Why We Don't Offer Refunds
Verification is Permanent
Once we've confirmed you exist, that confirmation becomes part of the permanent record. We cannot pretend we didn't notice you.
Administrative Costs
Each application is reviewed by our Certification Standards Panel. They've already done the work. They cannot un-do the work.
Registry Integrity
Allowing refunds would undermine the integrity of the Central Registry. You either exist or you don't. There's no "maybe."
Philosophical Consistency
Refunding a certificate of existence would imply your existence is somehow conditional on payment. It isn't. You exist regardless. We just documented it.
Exceptions
We may consider a partial refund in the following circumstances:
- We failed to deliver your certificate entirely (not just late - actually never)
- We issued a certificate to the wrong person (extremely rare)
- A technical error charged you multiple times for the same application
In all cases, please contact us with evidence. We're reasonable people. We just don't do refunds.
Terms & Conditions
The following terms constitute a legally binding agreement between you and The Existence Registry. By accessing our services, submitting an application, or completing a purchase, you agree to be bound by these terms in their entirety.
1. Definitions and Interpretation
In these Terms and Conditions, unless the context otherwise requires:
"The Registry", "we", "us", or "our" refers to The Existence Registry, its officers, employees, contractors, and authorised representatives.
"You", "your", or "the applicant" refers to any person, entity, or being accessing our services, submitting an application, or purchasing a certificate.
"Certificate" refers to any document, digital file, or physical item issued by the Registry confirming existence or other verified conditions.
"Services" refers to existence verification, certificate issuance, registry maintenance, and all related activities provided by the Registry.
"Existence" refers to the state of being. The Registry does not provide a philosophical, metaphysical, or scientific definition of this term and accepts no liability arising from any interpretation thereof.
"Verification" refers to the proprietary process by which the Registry confirms existence. This process is confidential.
2. Acceptance of Terms
By accessing our website, submitting an application, completing a purchase, or using any of our services, you confirm that:
- You have read and understood these Terms and Conditions in full
- You agree to be legally bound by these terms
- You are of legal age to enter into a binding contract in your jurisdiction
- You have the legal capacity and authority to agree to these terms
- You currently exist, to the best of your knowledge
If you do not agree to these terms, you must not use our services. Continued use of our services following any amendments constitutes acceptance of those amendments.
3. Eligibility
To be eligible for our services, you must:
- Currently exist (this requirement is non-negotiable and cannot be waived)
- Be capable of completing an online application form
- Have access to a valid payment method accepted by the Registry
- Provide accurate, complete, and truthful information
- Have a valid email address for correspondence
The Registry reserves the right to refuse service to any applicant at its sole discretion, without obligation to provide reasons. Applications from non-existent entities will be rejected without refund of any fees paid.
4. Nature of Services
The Registry provides existence verification and certification services. You expressly acknowledge and agree that:
- Our certificates are issued for entertainment, novelty, and personal satisfaction purposes
- Certificates do not constitute government-issued identification or legal documentation
- The Registry makes no representations regarding third-party acceptance of certificates
- Verification methods are proprietary and will not be disclosed
- The Registry does not provide philosophical, psychological, therapeutic, or counselling services
- We do not engage in ontological debate or existential enquiry
The Registry expressly disclaims any representation that its certificates have legal standing, official recognition, or practical utility beyond their stated purpose.
5. Verification Process
By submitting an application, you consent to the Registry's verification process. You acknowledge that:
- The verification methodology is proprietary and confidential
- You will not be informed of the specific methods used
- Verification is passive, non-invasive, and undetectable
- The Registry's determination of existence is final and not subject to appeal
- Rejection of an application does not necessarily indicate non-existence
The Registry reserves the right to reject any application where existence cannot be satisfactorily confirmed, without refund of fees paid.
6. Certificate Validity and Limitations
Certificates issued by the Registry are subject to the following conditions:
- Certificates are valid indefinitely, or until the certificate holder ceases to exist, whichever occurs first
- Certificates do not expire through passage of time alone
- Loss, damage, or destruction of a certificate does not affect the holder's existence status
- Replacement certificates may be obtained for a fee
- Certificates are non-transferable and apply only to the named individual
Certificates may be used for: personal satisfaction, informal dispute resolution, display purposes, gifts, and general amusement.
Certificates may NOT be used as: government identification, legal proof of identity, evidence in legal proceedings, financial documentation, proof of residency, employment verification, or any official purpose requiring recognised documentation.
Any attempt to use a certificate for purposes beyond its intended scope is solely at your own risk. The Registry accepts no liability for consequences arising from such misuse.
7. Fees, Payment, and Refunds
All fees are displayed at the time of purchase and are payable in full before certificate issuance. You agree that:
- All prices are in British Pounds Sterling (GBP) unless otherwise stated
- Payment must be made via approved payment methods
- You are responsible for any transaction fees charged by your payment provider
- Prices may change at any time without prior notice
Refund Policy: The Registry does not offer refunds. Once existence has been verified and documented, the verification cannot be undone. This policy applies regardless of:
- Change of mind or buyer's remorse
- Dissatisfaction with the certificate's appearance or content
- Third-party refusal to recognise the certificate
- Subsequent philosophical doubt regarding one's existence
- Any other reason not explicitly covered by statutory consumer rights
Exceptions may be considered solely at the Registry's discretion in cases of demonstrable technical failure resulting in non-delivery.
8. Limitation of Liability
To the fullest extent permitted by applicable law, the Registry, its officers, employees, agents, and affiliates shall not be liable for any:
- Direct, indirect, incidental, special, consequential, or punitive damages
- Loss of profits, revenue, data, or business opportunities
- Personal injury or emotional distress
- Existential crises, philosophical disturbances, or ontological uncertainty
- Disappointment, dissatisfaction, or unmet expectations
- Third-party rejection, ridicule, or non-acceptance of certificates
- Damage to reputation, relationships, or social standing
- Any losses arising from reliance on our services or certificates
Without limiting the foregoing, the Registry specifically disclaims liability for:
- Any psychological, emotional, or mental health consequences of contemplating existence
- Disputes with family members, partners, employers, or other third parties
- Failed attempts to use certificates for purposes beyond their stated scope
- Philosophical conclusions drawn from possessing or failing to obtain a certificate
- Any comparison between one's certified existence and the existence of others
- Delays in delivery caused by postal services, force majeure, or acts of nature
In all circumstances, the Registry's maximum aggregate liability shall not exceed the total fees paid by you for the specific certificate or service giving rise to the claim.
9. Disclaimer of Warranties
Our services are provided "as is" and "as available" without warranties of any kind, either express or implied. The Registry specifically disclaims:
- Any warranty of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose
- Any warranty that services will be uninterrupted, timely, secure, or error-free
- Any warranty regarding the accuracy, reliability, or completeness of any information
- Any warranty that certificates will be accepted by any third party
- Any warranty regarding the philosophical validity of existence claims
The Registry makes no representations about the nature of existence, the meaning of life, or the validity of any philosophical position. Use of our services does not constitute endorsement of any particular worldview.
10. Indemnification
You agree to indemnify, defend, and hold harmless the Registry, its officers, directors, employees, agents, and affiliates from and against any and all claims, damages, losses, liabilities, costs, and expenses (including reasonable legal fees) arising from or related to:
- Your use of our services
- Your breach of these Terms and Conditions
- Your violation of any applicable law or regulation
- Any misrepresentation made by you
- Your misuse of any certificate issued by the Registry
- Any dispute between you and a third party regarding your certificate
- Any claim that your use of our services infringed the rights of any third party
11. Intellectual Property
All content, designs, logos, trademarks, and materials associated with the Registry are our exclusive property or licensed to us. You may not:
- Reproduce, modify, or distribute our materials without written permission
- Use our trademarks or branding without authorisation
- Create derivative works based on our certificates or designs
- Forge, counterfeit, or fraudulently replicate any Registry certificate
Certificates remain the intellectual property of the Registry. You are granted a limited, non-exclusive, non-transferable licence to display your certificate for personal use only.
12. Privacy and Data Protection
We collect and process personal data in accordance with applicable data protection laws, including the UK GDPR. By using our services, you consent to:
- Collection of your name, email address, postal address (where applicable), and payment information
- Recording of your existence status in the Central Registry
- Use of your data to provide and improve our services
- Retention of your data for the duration specified in our Privacy Policy
We will not share your personal information with third parties except:
- Where required by law or legal process
- To payment processors for transaction completion
- To postal services for certificate delivery
- With your explicit consent
You have the right to access, correct, or request deletion of your personal data, subject to our legal obligations and legitimate interests in maintaining registry records.
13. Force Majeure
The Registry shall not be liable for any failure or delay in performing our obligations where such failure or delay results from circumstances beyond our reasonable control, including but not limited to:
- Natural disasters, acts of God, or severe weather events
- War, terrorism, civil unrest, or government action
- Pandemic, epidemic, or public health emergency
- Postal or courier service disruptions
- Power outages, internet failures, or technical malfunctions
- Labour disputes or supply chain disruptions
- Any event that renders existence verification temporarily impossible
14. Termination and Suspension
The Registry reserves the right to:
- Suspend or terminate your access to our services at any time
- Refuse to process applications without explanation
- Cancel pending orders and refund fees paid (at our sole discretion)
- Remove or invalidate certificates in cases of fraud or misrepresentation
Termination does not affect any rights or obligations accrued prior to termination. Provisions of these terms that by their nature should survive termination shall so survive.
15. Severability
If any provision of these Terms and Conditions is found to be invalid, illegal, or unenforceable by a court of competent jurisdiction, such finding shall not affect the validity of the remaining provisions, which shall continue in full force and effect. The invalid provision shall be modified to the minimum extent necessary to make it valid and enforceable while preserving its original intent.
16. Entire Agreement
These Terms and Conditions, together with our Privacy Policy and any other documents expressly incorporated by reference, constitute the entire agreement between you and the Registry. These terms supersede all prior agreements, representations, and understandings, whether written or oral.
No waiver of any provision shall be deemed a continuing waiver or waiver of any other provision. Our failure to enforce any right or provision shall not constitute a waiver of such right or provision.
17. Amendments
The Registry reserves the right to modify these Terms and Conditions at any time. Changes will be effective immediately upon posting to our website. It is your responsibility to review these terms periodically.
Continued use of our services following any changes constitutes acceptance of those changes. Material changes will be communicated via email to registered certificate holders where reasonably practicable.
For clarity: your continued existence does not constitute acceptance of amended terms. Your continued use of our services does.
18. Governing Law and Jurisdiction
These Terms and Conditions shall be governed by and construed in accordance with the laws of England and Wales, without regard to conflict of law principles.
Any dispute arising out of or in connection with these terms shall be subject to the exclusive jurisdiction of the courts of England and Wales. You irrevocably submit to the personal jurisdiction of such courts and waive any objection based on inconvenient forum.
Nothing in these terms shall limit any statutory rights you may have as a consumer under applicable law.
19. Dispute Resolution
Before initiating any legal proceedings, you agree to first contact the Registry in writing and allow 30 days for informal resolution. Most disputes can be resolved through good-faith communication.
The Registry is not obligated to participate in alternative dispute resolution schemes but may choose to do so at its discretion. The European Commission's Online Dispute Resolution platform is available at ec.europa.eu/odr, though we cannot guarantee participation.
20. Contact Information
For all enquiries, please contact:
The Existence Registry
Email: uncertain@existenceregistry.co.uk
Response times vary. Please note that enquiries regarding the philosophical nature of existence will not receive a response.
By using our services, you acknowledge that you have read, understood, and agreed to be bound by these Terms and Conditions. You further acknowledge that you exist (to the best of your knowledge), which is rather the point of all this.
Last updated: January 2026. Version 1.0.
Still Need Help?
If you've read through all of the above and still have questions, we're here to help (within our stated scope of services).
Please note: Emails asking us to explain the meaning of life, confirm whether you're real, or debate Descartes will be filed under "Ontological" and not responded to. We wish you well on your philosophical journey, but we cannot accompany you.